Marriage Success Series: Lesson 5

 RCCG Agape House of Worship
Marriage Success Class

Lesson 05 - Communication in Marriage
Text: Proverbs 25:11- 25

Five Love Languages
In his New York Times best seller Five Love Languages, Garry Chapman describes five ways people speak and understand emotional love. These he calls five love languages. Based on our nature and upbringing everybody has his or her own primary love language. Seldom do husband and wife have the same love language. We tend to speak our own love language and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. Understanding our spouse love languages improves communication in marriage and can help couples to identify practical and powerful
ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. The five love languages are:

Words of Affirmation: Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important---hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there-with the TV off fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby-makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts: Don't mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous-so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don't matter.

Physical Touch: This language isn't all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

What is Communication?
It is the blinding together of minds, ideas, and values. Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together - if it breaks down the relationship will crumble. When spouses no longer communicate, a marriage nurtures no one. It is no longer a marriage. Where there is effective communication marriage is enjoyable, nurturing and can overcome any challenge. Lack of communication or poor communication is the primary reason marriages fail.

Methods of Communication
1. Verbal Communication: This involves the use of word of mouth. There are three aspects: The word spoken itself, the tone of the word and the timing or circumstance it is spoken. Prov.15: 23, prov.25: 11,25.

2. Body Language:This involves facial expressions, movement, etc. Prov. 10:4. Prov.l5:13

3. Communication in Writing: Letters, Cards, emails, text message etc.

Five Components of Good Communication
1.  Good communication in marriage is respectful: Disrespectful judgments, Sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements and accusations, and put downs fit into this category. Good communication avoids all such disrespect. Responses like, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard and actions like eye-rolling are incredibly disrespectful.

2. Good communication in marriage is quantitative: Because we are so busy these days most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week. The problem is not insurmountable, good conversation can occur while participating in other activities. Talk while taking a walk, working around the house together, while enduring a television commercial, while driving together to church, the grocery store, or a movie. Couples intent on quantitative as well as qualitative communication seize every possible moment to talk respectfully with one another.

3. Good communication in marriage is a two-way street: While effective, respectful talking is essential in good communication, respectful listening is also vital. Bad communication begins with one spouse dominating the conversation, but the listener can also ensure bad communication. A lack of eye contact, negative facial gestures, or disengaged body language also stymies good communication.

4. Good communication in marriage probes for more insight: No matter how well conceived and how well stated, most listeners fail to grasp the full meaning of the speaker, especially the subtle nuances. The only way to  overcome the unnecessary miscues in conversation is to ask questions. To maintain good communication, however, the questions must be asked respectfully and courteously.

5. Good communication in marriage is honest: Tragically, lying brings long-term consequences that most spouses fail to consider before twisting the truth. Honesty, however, is not merely avoiding falsehood. Honesty also means that we refuse to avoid sharing information that our spouse has the right to know and would want to know.

Hindrances to Effective Communication
l. Sinful Nature of Man: The sinful nature's attributes such as anger, pride deceitfulness, defensiveness are hindrances to communication in marriage. So also our natural characters like loudness, quietness etc

2. Ignorance: Ignorance about the importance of communication does not encourage investment in good communication.

3. Past experiences: Past experiences such as guilt, disappointments can affect our behaviors in marriage and hinder communication.

4. Social and Parental Influence: Most of us grow up with parents who did not communicate; hence we did not learn the skills to effectively communicate in our marriage.

5. Differences in Temperament: Differences in temperament means difference in methods of communication. This easily leads to conflict unless the spouses try to understand one another and each person works on his/her area of weaknesses.

6. Pressures in our Lifestyles: Pressures in lifestyle could be as a result of financial problems, working too many hours, sickness, bareness, financial issues, etc. This may result into nagging, and eventually complete withdrawal in communication.

7. Unresolved Conflict: Always resolve issues and conflict in your relationship, preferably before you go to bed or before the day is over.

Practical Ways to Communicate
1. Communicate in love Eph 4:15- Always make sure love is the overriding theme of your communication. Even when you want to tell your spouse a hard truth, start by expressing your genuine love for them. Remember you don't have the right to correct someone you have not shown love to.

2. Communicate in wisdom. I Pet 3:7 - Always choose the time and tone of your speech carefully. When in doubt, consult with a sodlv friend before expressing your mind.

3. Know and speak you partner's love language.

4. If possible set a day of the week to have family time.

5. Set time to discuss your visions and goals.

6. Pray and study the bible together.

7. Know about each others area of interest.

8. Balance your budget together every month.

9. Learn to say sorry. Two proud people who cannot say sorry cannot make it in marriage.

10. Be attentive to your partner, be slow to speak and eager to listen.

1 comment

  1. wow this is great!!!
    wanna follow each other?


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