Marriage Success Series: Lesson 8

This post concludes the Marriage Success Series. Like I mentioned at the beginning, there are 8 lesson in total and we have come to the end of this wonderful series. The last lesson is a little different from the previous ones. It talks about a topic that is rarely talked about in the church and when it's been talked about it's usually in a negative way.  Note that this class was meant for everybody, from single, dating, engaged, married and everything in between. It was tailored to benefit everyone, so keep that in mind when reading this. For some of you it will be solely for FYI purposes only, for some it will serve as an avenue to learn something new and for the rest, it will be a fun read.

I hope you've enjoyed this series and picked up a thing or two along the way. I'm glad I've been able to share it with you all and thanks for receiving it with open heart.


TEXT: I COR. 7:3-5

Sex is hugely important in a Christian marriage especially when it's part of the deal that you're not allowed to go elsewhere to get it. Sex can keep your marriage strong and lack of sex can destroy your marriage. Two ways to-keep your sex life active is to make time for one another and to talk with each other. If one or both partners are .sexually frustrated, it's likely to wreak havoc on the relationship, often in ways that the couple doesn't even realize. They may be snapping at each other over other matters when the real conflict stems from problems in the sexual arena. The more discord in a relationship, the less likely it is that the couple is going to want to have sex. This in turn establishes a vicious cycle that causes not only the couple's sex life, but also the relationship to spiral downward. Also a good sex life is an important part of an individual's overall health. Research has also shown that couples who have a good sex life feel betterrnentully und
physically. Once again it is important to understand the key to enjoy a good sex life is sacrifice.

1 Cor. 7:3-5 - The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1. Unrealistic Expectation: Hollywood teaches us a lot of junk about sexuality: the assumption is that sex will be easy, natural and ecstatic all the time. However like everything else sex has to be learned, you might know the basics, but it takes time and experimentation to find out what you will both like. Good love life is a journey not a destination.
2. Cultural Problem: Many cultures tend to teach women that sexual enjoyment is for men, leading to a subconscious
believe that sex is somehow dirty. Hence a lot of women do not actively participate enough during sex. The bible makes it clear that God designed both men and women to enjoy sex and that liking sex is normal and healthy.
3. Medical/Physical Barrier: Sometimes there are medical and physical dysfunctions which if left untreated can destroy a marriage. This is a situation where communication between spouses is critical. Some of the medical barriers may include:
  •  Lack of interest in sex, low libido (hypoactive sexual desire disorder - HSDD) 
  • Sexual intercourse is painful (dyspareunia) 
  • Inability to reach orgasm (anorgasmia)
  •  Difficulty in becoming aroused or erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation etc
4. Baggage from Past Sexual encounters: In some people this can cause guilt, frigidity, mental comparison etc which hurt intimacy. I Corinthians 6:16-20. However, God's is available to address these issues through repentance.
5. Sexual Desire Gap: One spouse is desperately unhappy because not having sex nearly as often as he or she would like, and the other is saying, "What's the big deal? It's just sex." Whereas for the spouse wanting more, it is a big deal. Sex isn't just a physical release, it's about feeling wanted, connected and loved.
6. The Daily Routines of Life: Careers, children, financial responsibilities etc keep couples from keeping alive that flame that initially brought them together. From a practical standpoint, there's less time for sex and intimacy as relationships develop and individual partners take on more responsibilities.
7. Ignorance: The purpose of sex is for both to enjoy. Ignorance about sex or about each other's sexual preferences will limit your ability to fulfill each other's sexual need and hurt your sexual intimacy.

Men and women are significantly different in their sexual interests and drives. Men usually have a desire for more frequent sex and greater variety in forms of sexual play. Women usually want more emotional connectedness through tender touch and conversation and prefer more consistent love-making technique. These differences often lead to tension over positions for intercourse, frequency of sex, and the degree of experimentation. In a healthy relationship this should create an opportunity for a couple to develop mutual submissiveness in their relationship (1 Corinthians 7:3-5). Each individual will have ways to show respect and give a meaningful gift of love to his or her mate. Giving that respect to each other is a huge way to guide your choices of sexual play in the direction of genuinely mature love. Some key points to note are:
  • A woman's sexual drive tends to be related to her menstrual cycle, while a man's drive is fairly constant. 
  • A woman is stimulated more by touch, romantic words and charm, while a man is mainly stimulated by sight. 
  • A man needs little or no preparations for sex, a woman often needs hours of emotional and mental preparation.Harsh or abusive treatment can easily remove her desire for sexual intimacy for days at a time. 
  • When a woman's emotions have been trampled by her husband, she is often repulsed by his advances. Some women claim they feel like prostitutes when they are forced to make love while feeling resentment toward their husbands. However the man has no idea what he is putting his wife through when he forces sex upon her.
No matter how much you know, it won't be perfect, but you most likely will remember it fondly. Sex is like anything else, it takes practice to get good at it, and lots of practice to get great at it. The more you do it, the better it will get for both of you, in many ways. Therefore don't put too much on the first time; just enjoy it for what it is, a beginning to a life of sexual pleasure. The man should understand that for women physical sexual pleasure is a learned response. She may enjoy the emotional closeness from the very first, depending on what she is expecting, but she will need time to develop the ability to fully enjoy sex physically. Because of mixed emotions or fear of pain, orgasm during intercourse will not happen the first time, in fact, for many women it can take several months. Unreasonable pressure will only make it worse.

Foreplay: Foreplay is a very important part of making love. It can encompass a wide range of activities; hugging, fondling, undressing, kissing, petting, cuddle, caressing, whispering etc. Men who know how to enjoy sensitive foreplay will often find that their partners will not only enjoy sexual intercourse more, but will also see them reach orgasm more easily. Most women need prolonged stimulation in order to reach a state of complete arousal, and foreplay will provide them with the required stimulation. It also helps men to last longer during sexual intercourse, allowing the woman to rich the climax first. The man needs a lot of patience in this area and it will pay good dividends. Foreplay is not something that needs to happen only right before making love; it can begin a12 hours early.

Intercourse: Don't expect intercourse to last very long the first time! First intercourse brings some degree of apprehension for most women and a man's first few times are inevitably very short. Most women experience short mild pain the first time (or first few times). It is important to make sure the woman is well lubricated before intercourse. Sometimes the woman's apprehension can cause her to not lubricate well; in that instance the use of an artificial lubricant is needed. The best position for first intercourse is probably the man on top, also called the missionary position. Some women may bleed for the first time this is because of the breaking of hymen; a thin membrane that surrounds the opening to the woman's vagina. Communication is also important during intercourse; let your partner know how you feel about what he/she is doing. Expressions like; I love that, keep doing that, that's great or simply an instruction to do something else will
enhance your sexual experience.

Orgasm: defines orgasm as the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual tension resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region that produce intensely pleasurable sensations followed by rapid relaxation. Orgasm is also in part a psychological experience of pleasure and abandon, when the mind is focused solely on the personal experience. It is sometimes called climaxing or coming. The man's orgasm often coincides with ejaculation. An ideal sexual intimacy is when both spouses to reach orgasm. Because it generally takes women longer time than men to reach the climax, this will require a lot of patience and sacrifice on the part of the man. THE MAN MUST PERFECT THE SKILLS TO LAST A LONG TIME IN BED FOR BOTH TO ENJOY THE ULTIMATE PLEASURE OF SEXUAL
INTIMACY. This is one area man must practice sacrificial love.

  • Go on regular dates with your spouse. It doesn't have to be expensive restaurant, could be parks coffee shop etc. 
  • Create an upbeat positive atmosphere with lots of fun, flirting, laughter, jokes, sexual banter etc. Remember, what you sow you reap. 
  • Talk regularly about your desire or sexual preference with your spouse in a positive not accusatory manner. 
  • Keep physically fit and attractive for your spouse. Also learn to compliment and appreciate each other. 
  • Resolve any underlying conflicts as they will spill-over to the bedroom. . 
  • Be adventurous and creative in and outside the bedroom. Have sex in other places (obviously not in public) otherthan your bedroom or other times other than at night. 
To view the complete series click on Marriage Success Series logo on the right side of the page. 

1 comment

  1. Thanks for the info, Christiana! Sexual intimacy is one of the most important factors that strengthens the connection between the couples. It is not only a simple union of their bodies, but of their hearts and souls as well. This is not a simple touching of each other’s curves, but knowing each other’s quirks.

    Rachel Peterson @ Sex Smart


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